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Complaining about cripply things

The muscle twitching is starting to really get to me. The stupid thing is, of everything going wrong in my body, this is really the least of it, and generally doesn’t hurt. But more and more, I just don’t have control over my muscles. I can’t sit still or lay in bed without fucking twitching, violently twitching. It’s worst in my legs, but it happens in my arms, too, and sometimes my neck. I’ll just suddenly jerk a limb, then it’ll settle back for another minute or more and just doesn’t fucking stop.

I’ve also been experiencing worsening numbness in my extremities over the last several months. It’s not at all like the sort of pins and needles I was used to before becoming disabled, not at all. There’s just a baseline hum in a body part (most commonly my feet or my arm from the elbow down, and through at least a couple fingers). It hums, and it doesn’t start with any unusual activity (like in my arm, it happens just holding my phone to check emails or whatever). And it takes forever to go away, but it never gets that sharp prickly feeling, it just stays numb until it isn’t. It happens constantly now, several times a day, and with the twitching it’s making just existing annoying as all fuck.

My left elbow still hasn’t calmed down from that one day of strain weeks ago. It hurts as bad as my knees usually do. We finally got that electric wheelchair from Craigslist to work, which I know I should be grateful for. But still, I’m just angry. Even though for months I’ve been unable to get around unassisted in my manual chair, I kept hoping that would change. I kept hoping I’d regain the upper body ability I had last year, that this would be temporary, that the symptoms in my upper joints were just a coincidence and not really related to what’s taken my legs from me. But it’s bullshit, it’s all bullshit. I can’t even make a small trip to the pet store in my manual chair anymore, I have to have my partner push me at least some of the time.

This weekend I’m taking my daughter to see Jurassic Park 3D, and that means my first day really out in my electric wheelchair. I’m not ready for this. I’m not fucking ready.

9 notes

  1. halrenna said: *hug* I’m so sorry. I hope that the electric wheelchair makes things easier for you, though.
  2. michaelb78 said: Your issues sound alot like my wife, I wish the best for you. I see the pain in her eyes everyday
  3. bunnika posted this
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